October Depression

I am very depressed

I had bad sleep last night, I must not have gotten a full 8 hours of sleep. As I have gotten older, sleep determines if I am more stable or not the next day. If I get enough sleep, I am a good conversationalist. If I don’t get enough sleep, I feel edgy, erratic. I must not have gotten enough sleep last night.

Looking back

Looking back at my life. I was at many cross roads during my life. I probably was in a repeated positions where I could have really been successful or have had made the acquaintances of successful people. I think I wasted all my chances. I am 50 years old, not sure if I am going to run into anymore chances like the ones that I may have had. It is what it is. I know one thing. I think I am a good citizen. I try to be a good son and family member. A good brother to my sister. I understand that my time with the family is limited. I under stand the value of time.

I would like to reach out

I know one day my family ties will be limited. Me being the youngest of our nuclear family in the United States, I may be the last family member alive at some point. I would like to whole heartedly reach out to other people (strangers) people who may have crossed paths with me. I think I know the general group of people that may or may not have crossed paths with me. I said it to a lady in person. “It would be nice if my friends popped into see how I was doing” .  I suppose to this same lady I said “Certain people” I think she under stood what I had ment.  It is what it is though. Any friends new friends would be nice at this point. I would not turn anyone away.

Currently my life is stuck

I have been trapped at the parents house for three years. COVID was part of that time. I am awaiting news from Social Security. I applied for my disability. I have been waiting maybe three years now. I am waiting on my case to go back in front of the Social Security Admin. To get the denial over turned. I had a very biased judge. I have no funds to go anywhere or do anything.  I am just stuck at the house. In the mean time I am working on my diet. Trying to lose more weight.

I never made anyone do anything

In my past I feel that maybe a group of people went out of their way for me. I am sorry to have disappointed certain people who may or may not have done certain things on my behalf. I got into something long ago. I never made or instructed anyone to do anything on my behalf. I don’t want to sound ungrateful,. I am grateful. I am sorry that things did not work out the past few times. If people can give this 50 year old manchild one more chance. Maybe we could meet somewhere. Maybe one day my real friend will find me. It will answer a few questions I may have about past events.