My life at 50

Feeling kinda blah

I woke up today, I did not want to get out of bed. Normally I goto bed kinda early at about 6pm. I wake up at 5 or 6 am. Today I just did not want to get out of  bed. I think I have been depressed. During COVID I almost lost my mind. I felt totally with no hope. I was pretty depressed having to hear the crimes of Trump as president every day. Then hear and see all the deaths of the COVID pandemic. I was close to feeling dead inside too.

Thoughts of suicide

I am not going to sugar coat it. I had thoughts of not being around anymore. I go though this exercise of morbidity every so often. Every time I have rebounded and “popped back into place”. I had a plan for years. I would get a thick, cotton rope, a ladder (one that would fit in my SUV) and a bottle of booze. I would drive my car to a near by forest preserve. Get the ladder out, find a solid tree. Tie a makeshift noose on a branch. I would then place the ladder under the noose and sit on top of the ladder, drinking the bottle of  booze. My hopes would be simply slump and pass out with my neck in the noose. Suffocating. I think of this idea every so often. So far I have been to scared to buy the rope or get the ladder.

 I am not entirely happy with my life at 50

I am not in the worst of places in my life at 50. Things could be worse and I am grateful that my life is not worse. I had events in my past that I did not understand. Spooky things were happening. I also may have missed many opportunities. Had I simply listened more, I may be in a totally different situation in my life. It is what it is. I feel trapped and I feel that my time is running out to do anything fun and exciting. I am 50. For me that is like I am at “half time” in my life. I want to see other places and photograph them. I can’t do anything like travel since I have no funds in the bank. I have no connections or many friends that can travel.