Fear and lack of self confidence

Fear and lack of self confidence

At one point I had certain people in my life. There still is some confusion as to how they got associated with me. I am an average, small simple person. Just a very small sliver of a much larger society. I consider myself part of the masses in the United States. An anonymous speck of millions of people on the North American landmass. I vote, I try to vote for the most professional people that display compassion and practical thinking. I am not afraid to vote  for a woman or a minority. Anyway, I am simply an unknown computer and photo geek from South Suburban Chicago. I was raised in a German-American household with solid ethics and rules. What my parents have taught and instilled into me, I hope will guide me to better things in the future. Outside people associated themselves with me in some way.  Through inaction on my part (because I was concerned, a little intimidated and not confident in myself) I missed out on some face to face friendships I could  have had. Maybe I was not mentally ready for these friendships? I have some mental issues I suppose. Hopefully these people that once were peering into the edges of my life, won’t feel bad towards me. I in no way want any bad blood between myself and anyone else. I was simply confused and not confident in myself. I was also nervous about stepping out of my comfort zone.

I am a decent guy, maybe something will come up

I suppose I am a decent guy. I have an attitude every so often. I have enough time right now to look at my self and see when I am having my jerky moments. I am self aware or try to be. Going to therapy had made me more self aware. When I act like a jerk, I try to correct that behavior when I recognize it. At 53 years old, I hope that I did not piss a group of certain people off and maybe something else will come up in my life. Currently, helping my elderly parents around the house is top priority. I really want to go other places, meet new people etc… see different places and people, but I have to stick around my parents for now. I may go back to Ingalls for therapy at some point. Not sure if the same people will repeat two  times before and have people at my group therapy sessions.    I can’t make these certain people reach out to me, I just can send an invitation that I am happy for a face to  face meeting with “my one true friend”.

Getting out more

I suck at getting out of the house these days. I am a “computer guy”. 95% of my days I sit behind this computer. I used to get out and take photos, but I lost my eagerness to take new photos. One day Ill get back into photography. This summer of 2025 Ill get out in public every Friday mornings at my Lansing Public Library.  The library is a comfortable space to meet people at, I figure. I normally sit there and people watch. I think if a person feels lonely, that it’s important to try to be around different people. I wish I could change some of my decisions in my past. But its a waste of time to dredge up the past.