Weak and depressed

I feel dead inside

I feel like something inside of me is dead. Physically I feel bad. Malnourished and dying. Mentally I am in apathy. I lost enjoyment in my hobby of photography. I lost interest in many things. I had many opportunities and I pissed them all away. All my fault that I am now isolated from certain people. My “one true friend”. I isolated myself from that person and many others. I was not mean when isolating myself, but I simply did not respond to people reaching out to me. Now I feel I offended them and they won’t be reaching out again. So now I am alone and decaying by myself. I suppose my life could have easily different if I were the least bit receptive in the past. I keep punishing myself for not being receptive during certain events with “certain people” in my past. Having one of these people or “my one true friend” reach out one more time would help me rid myself from my mental pain.

I try to be in public

I do make myself public or in a public area once every month. I manage to get my strength together and goto my local library for three hours in the morning. Hoping “certain people” are reading this website. I am writing to see if “certain people” or “my one true friend” will still remember me and read my website. They were part of many events of my past. They seem to know me or know of me, I don’t know them though. I think I am worth one more try to reach out to me. I don’t know what they are thinking.

Monitoring my health

All I do right  now is goto my doctor every three months for blood work. Just trying to get my A1C down to normal levels. Monitoring blood work and taking my medications are my hobbies right now. I feel like  I am dying. Dead inside. I really feel bad and I feel bad about myself. I am at my last threads. I hope that I get my Social Security Disability. That would be a bright point. If I get it. I have been waiting for 5 years.