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Being repetitive

I am in a bad mood. I seem to be beating myself up for things others have started with me. It’s not fair. It’s like having an itch I cannot scratch. I do dwell in the past. It’s foolish. You can’t recreate a moment in time. That deli counter meeting. I can’t recreate that and do something different. I really am beating myself up over that event.  But I chose to be the way I was. I am an adult. Ill probably eventually move on from all the strange things that happened. I suppose I can partly blame myself. I am not keeping myself as busy with constructive things as I should be doing. I suppose when it came to past, strange events with groups of certain people, probably did pass up certain things. I probably had multiple events to network with certain people. Also thats all what I wanted in the first place. To be included. That “one true friend” is what someone offered. I may have even managed to piss that person off too. I suppose I will let that  go now.

Still watching my health

Since I am kinda stuck with the parents currently, I am taking time to watch my health. Taking my meds and vitamins. I don’t need to have my diabetes worsen. I don’t need any additional health problems. I already feel a bit down about myself. I really could have gone far, but I know I blew it. So I am reverting to simple things. I goto the doctor every three months like clock work. Keeping my A1C and triglycerides in check. I am trying not to make myself sick over the past events with certain people. I am trying not to make myself sick about not being able to  be a success in life. A successful photographer. I am not able to sell any prints. Nothing.


I am only part of one gallery. The Union Street Gallery in Chicago Heights. I had planned to be part of other galleries. But its hard to get into the clique with galleries. I don’t have the energy or self confidence to approach any other galleries. Ill just let go my dreams and efforts. I have  not taken any new photos in over four years. I have the best camera equipment in my life, and I just don’t use it anymore.

Chris Trott

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