I sabotage myself

I had many opportunities

I did have many events in my past where I could have been successful or made some type of forward stride. I pissed them all away. Mainly through inaction. I did not respond to people reaching out to me. I was a bit scared to interact. That was part of my thought process at these events. Maybe I was scared at the unknown or the mystery people that were reaching out. I am a very sensitive person.  Looking back  I am mad at myself for my inaction. I was not being rude, I simply did not understand when these people came up to me face to face. I thought I was in trouble for some reason. I was scared.

I doubt they will reach out again

I would like them to reach out again, but I think  they may have had enough of messing with me. I really am not a bad guy or anything they may think of me. I consider myself a down to earth guy. Practical minded. I also sabotage myself. I am not sure why I do this. I don’t have much self esteem and confidence in myself maybe. I consider myself a common and small person. I am just a citizen here in the United States. I feel the certain people that were reaching out to me in the past over the years off and on are “bigger” people.

I am reaching out now

During the times when the other people were reaching out, it was taking me by surprise face to face. I think for me to be comfortable in opening a dialogue face to face with certain people, I need to reach out. I will be going to my local library one morning out of the month. I chose the 24th of each month to be at my library for three hours in the morning. 9-till noon (9-12) They open at 9. Ill simply be sitting by the coy fish pond that they have in the center of the library. I hope to meet “my one true friend” as I heard about them at Ingalls group. I hope “my one true friend” has not given up on me. I am curious and that whole event at Ingalls has been in the back of my mind. I may even go back to Ingalls group to see if anyone would be there. If my “one true friend” does show up at the library on the 24th of the month, it would please me very much. I also want to say that I am grateful that “my one true friend” did make the effort to reach out to me in the first place. I feel I am connected to something very special when I think of it. One reason why I was inactive on their reaching out in the past was I was afraid I had to leave my parents.   I don’t want to pass up on potential face to  face friendships that I can have in the future.  Writing all of my thoughts out on my personal website is the only way I have to express how I feel and hopefully “my one true friend” will see this and reach out one more time. I promise to provide good conversation and I may be a little witty.  I am hoping that someone who knows what was going on with me and this group will reach out.