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I beat myself up mentally

I’ve  been beating myself up mentally.  I have had a strange past. For decades I may have been connected to a group of people. It’s hard for me to explain. I feel these people are influential people. I do not know these people by name, never met them in person.

It all started most likely when I had mental issues and ran away from home. This was starting as I can remember in 2000? I over a few years I ran away to Seattle, Washington, Detroit, Windsor, Ontario, ElPaso, Texas, Ciudad Juárez, Sydney, Australia. My mind now is kinda foggy. I think thats when I got the attention of a certain group of people. I felt that I had said something on the Internet and the Chicago authorities were tailing me. So that prompted in my paranoid mind to leave town.

This group of people were for decades associated with my mother, father and sister. I also think that on my past Twitter accounts I may have mentioned my past trips etc. That got the attention of certain people from this group of people. I feel they probably mis understood me via Twitter.

I have  been diagnosed with Bi-Polar 1 officially. I have had psychotic episodes. I never got in real trouble with the police. I normally internalize my episodes and remain pretty much in control of myself. Anyway, when I went to group therapy at a hospital that I get mental help at, I feel representatives or maybe family members of these influential people were present in my therapy group. I suppose they wanted to see me in person? Anyway at the group therapy maybe they wanted to set up a meeting with me and these people? I foolishly and accidentally mis understood and thwarted the efforts. Even one therapist uttered “Your true friend will find you”. I was receptive to that idea.

A few days later at my local Jewel food store at the deli counter, a lady started up a conversation with me. I was a bit confused. I spoke with her a little bit and I think she was associated with a person who is probably influential and took the time and effort to locate me and reach out to me. I got nervous and in mid conversation, turned my back on this nice lady and went on my way. I have  been kicking myself since this happened. I wish I would have stayed put and spoke to her. I feel that my questions of the past would have been made clear to me.

Since I turned my  back on this nice woman, I still have my questions to the strange events of my past. I am very interested in simply resolving my questions and just maybe making a few new friends in person. Instead of beating myself up I now think that It’s nice to have a friend out there somewhere. I hope that me and this  group of people are on friendly terms. I know that certain things were done against me and my family in the past from some people of this group. I think they were scared at what I may say.

As the lady conducting the therapy sessions at the the hospital said “He is true blue” . I promise if I find out the identities of these influential people, I will never reveal them on social media or publicly. Even though I pretty much suspect that my phone, computer and communications were being tapped because of this. I was harassed a bit at local stores. I will never reveal any names.

I am too old for any animosity, and I never did want to upset people or make them regret anything. I will keep an open mind, and greet people normally and maybe I will run into my “one true friend” out there one day.

Chris Trott

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